Dubai Is Judging You Too

Dubai Is Judging You Too

March 2026

After my last post, Dubai Is Not What You Think and New York Is Not What It Pretends to Be, I received a barrage of reactions. Some thoughtful. Some defensive. A few people politely asking if I had been kidnapped and forced to write pro Dubai propaganda.

Which is honestly the most flattering professional allegation I've received in years.

Adding it to LinkedIn immediately.

Most people asked the same follow-up question.

"Okay but... Dubai must be judging us back, right?"

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Judging is the universal language. Everyone speaks it. Dubai just does it quietly, with excellent posture and a nicer watch.

Americans land at DXB, see the Bentleys and gold cappuccinos, and immediately start narrating the city like they're filming a nature documentary. "Here we see the native billionaire in his natural habitat..."

Dubai watches this happen.

Silently.

Like a woman who has heard her name pronounced wrong six times and has decided to save her peace.

Americans arrive in Dubai the way toddlers arrive at Disneyland. Overstimulated, underinformed, and narrating everything.

Judgment 1: The Loud New Arrival

Fresh Americans are easy to spot. They're the ones explaining Dubai to people who have lived here for fifteen years. "Back home we do it this way."

Back home was nine days ago.

And yet the keynote speech is already scheduled.

Nothing says "global expert" like someone who discovered the city on Tuesday.

Dubai built entire islands shaped like palm trees, so the city is not anti-ambition.

It is slightly skeptical of consulting advice from someone whose luggage tags are still attached.

The people who succeed here spend their first six months doing something radical. They listen.

I know. Horrifying.

Judgment 2: The Instagram Economist

"Is that gold real?"

Yes.

You are in Dubai. Nothing here is emotionally prepared to be subtle.

The evolved version of this character films a thirty-second video outside a penthouse they have never entered and posts it as: “TOP 5 INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITIES IN DUBAI RIGHT NOW."

Small administrative detail. Marketing real estate here requires a license from the Dubai Land Department and RERA. Fines exist.

The blazer is not a credential. 

Neither is the ring light. Confidence is wonderful. But confidence plus WiFi has created entire industries.

Also, if you are posting about real estate online, you need an influencer license. Yes. Even people who aren’t technically influencers need paperwork here. Paperwork before hashtags. Honestly, I respect the discipline.

If only the barrier to entry for a Dubai real estate license was this high...

Judgment 3: The Cultural Tourist

Arrives for brunch.

Complains about the heat.Then announces that the culture here is "weird."

Sir, you flew to the desert voluntarily.

Dubai has heard the “weird” speech thousands of times. Usually from someone who has been here eleven minutes and has already started a podcast.

Some people visit a place to learn about it. Others visit a place to explain it back to the locals.

Guess which group Dubai finds exhausting? 

The Americans who actually build lives here do something different. They listen.

A city of two hundred nationalities does not reveal itself over one brunch at Zuma.

Judgment 4: The American Princess

(It's complicated.)

Dubai already has a file on Americans. Spoiled. Loud. Litigious. Possibly about to ask where the ranch dressing is.

But there is also a second file. Americans are seen as resourceful, direct, and extremely good in a crisis. The type of people who find three workarounds before lunch while everyone else is still filing a ticket. Both files stay open.

Dubai is simply watching to see which one you are. Sometimes it's the same person before and after coffee.

For scale, Dubai has about four million residents. Americans make up roughly forty thousand. We are basically a novelty. A confident, loud, occasionally chaotic novelty that will absolutely complain about the outlets and then fix the problem ourselves.

Americans abroad are a little like Labradors. Friendly, enthusiastic, and occasionally unaware of our decibel levels.

Also yes. I have had the gold leaf cappuccinos. Several times. Still ordering them to make sure they are real.

Judgment 5: The Behavior Test

Dubai watches how you treat people. Not the CEO at your table. Everyone else. The valet. The server on hour eleven of their shift. The security guard who has seen you come home at 3 a.m. and politely pretended not to notice.

Reputation travels quickly here. Rudeness travels faster. And here's the part that shocks Americans. You can actually get arrested for cursing someone out. 

Public insults and obscene gestures can fall under harassment or public decency laws. People have been fined or detained for behavior that in New York would barely qualify as a warm-up argument. Which explains why public arguments here sound less like New York traffic and more like a corporate HR meeting. 

Turns out consequences work. And even as a New Yorker, I don’t disagree with this.

Judgment 6: The New York Comparison

Nothing is more entertaining than watching a New Yorker explain to Dubai why New York is better.

I have witnessed this. 

I needed a moment afterward.

Dubai is not necessarily competing with New York. Dubai knows exactly what it is; A global business hub where ambition is the native language and the cars look like they were designed by a Bond villain with a Pinterest board.

New York is extraordinary. It also has a subway system that will be delayed for reasons no one will ever explain to you truthfully.

Both cities are great.

Both are chaotic.

Both are expertly explained by people who have visited twice.

You may be judging Dubai. But Dubai noticed how you walked into the room. And it formed its opinion before you finished your gold leaf cappuccino. Which, for the record, is still real gold.

I checked.