Overheard in Dubai: Conversations So Extra They Come with Complimentary Caviar

Overheard in Dubai: Conversations So Extra They Come with Complimentary Caviar

By Kelly Robinson

Welcome to Dubai. The city where lips come in one size - jumbo, and real estate agents dress like they are off to an adult prom. It’s a city where brunch starts at 1 PM, ends at 11 PM, and somehow still includes breakfast. And where camels and Lamborghinis share desert views.

And when it comes to what people say out loud in public, the city delivers. Here’s a roundup of the most spiritually accurate things I’ve probably overheard in Dubai. Names have been changed to protect the people who definitely still owe rent on their DIFC penthouses.

1.”We’re looking for something low-maintenance with a helipad and emotional support landscaping.”
I, too, want my backyard to validate my choices

2. “It’s not a yacht unless it has an elevator.”
This was said completely sincerely by a man wearing loafers with no socks and a linen shirt that cost more than my first car.

3. “My new penthouse has partial Burj Khalifa views. I just have to stand on the bidet with a mirror and squint.”
It’s the real estate version of “she has a great personality.”

4.“I matched with a guy who only takes selfies with tigers and Bugattis. So obviously I asked if he’s emotionally available.”
Spoiler: He replied with a tiger emoji and the Dubai frame in the background.

5. “I just think it’s tacky to show up to brunch in a car that doesn’t have butterfly doors.”
Sir, this is a Cheesecake Factory.

6. “Honestly, the only reason I started my crypto fund was so I could get invited to yacht things.”
You know what? Respect. That’s vision. That’s branding.

7. “I only date men who own property in Business Bay, because I’m not emotionally prepared to park in JVC.”
This is a deeply personal trauma. Be kind.

8. “It’s technically a studio, but spiritually it’s a two-bedroom with commitment issues.”
It’s called an open floor plan, Janet. Let it live.

9. “Our real estate agent has a motivational quote tattoo and drives a McLaren, so I trust him implicitly.”
What could possibly go wrong?

10. “My husband said no to the villa, so I reminded him it has a 12-car garage and suddenly he found religion.”
And by religion, we mean financing options.

11. “She said she got a great deal—only AED 15M because it’s considered ‘pre-loved.’”
Ma’am, it’s not a purse. It’s a house. With mold.

12. “I asked if the developer was reputable, and my broker sent me his Instagram handle.”
Oh good, because nothing screams financial stability like sunset selfies and shirtless stories from bathrooms in Mykonos.

Stay tuned for next week’s post:
“Oops, I Bought a Falcon” — Tales of Retail Therapy in Terminal 3

Now go forth. Manifest your mansion. And maybe, just maybe, read the fine print.